Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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