Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
