Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
