It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
