is your mom at the bar?
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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