I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
