Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
