I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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