i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
