Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
