I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
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