Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
