when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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