I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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