So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
