my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
You need Xanax blowdarts
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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