I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
