We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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