she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
