So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
