My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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