Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
