At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
