I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
