Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
