I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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