Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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