The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
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