Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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