I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
