Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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