i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
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