i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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