how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
well, you know. whores of a feather.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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