my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize