It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
