So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
