I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
