it hurts more in the daytime
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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