I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I wish I only lived at night.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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