Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
