i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
