sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
