i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
