M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
