just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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