Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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