i jhust puked up my retainher.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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