This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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