Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
