My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
