Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Randomize
