im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
