You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
