People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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