I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
