I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
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