If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
