I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
