My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
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