I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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