We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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