I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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