Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
we should paint friendship bongs
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