We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Randomize
